"You tell me why anyone would walk into a book store and buy Tommy's book." —Mr. Lombardi "Yeah well, there better not be swears in your book. Cause Jesus knows." —Mrs. Lombardi "J’ai essaye de litre un peu le livre de Tom en me rasant les jambes. J’ai trouve sa plume tres adoucissante." —Ludivine Sagnier "My wife once accidentally stuffed an unpublished Tom Lombardi manuscript into the turkey's buttocks and, dare I say, scrumptious! While I'm here, I'd like to make a shout-out to my readers in Houston, Texas. Oh yes, Friedman's a bite-ah. A bite-ah, son!" —William Safire "Tommy, your book going to come out before I die?" —Mr. Lombardi "I don't know, Dad . . . I don't know." —Tom Lombard "God forgive you, Mr.. To care would you say such a thing!" —Mrs. Lombardi "Dayumn, son! Tell them fools to stop sweatin' you. You gots to bounce. You gots to spread them wings, kid. Oooh ahhh! Oooh Ahh!!!" —William Safire "You need to get right with the Lord, Mr. Safire." —Mrs. Lombardi "Mom, shhh! Not now. I mean, for fuck's sake, give it a rest." —Tom Lombard "Thomas! Ne sois pas mal-eleve. Ce n’est pas tres gentil d’insulter ta maman." "Whenever I think of Tom Lombardi's writing, the image of a soggy fire cracker comes to mind . . . Bite me, Safire. —Thomas L. Friedman "You know how we done, Friedman. It's all in good fun. Aight, check it, I gots to bounce, y'all. Hit me back on the N Y T, where all that shit's fit to print, son. To print. I'm out!" —William Safire "No one tells me what to do. Not even God." —Mr. Lombardi "Shut your trap, you stinker. Now, take a seat. I have to check your blood pressure." —Mrs. Lombardi "Why I was born I'll never know." —Mr. Lombardi "You were a Kennedy, Dad. You were switched at birth." —Tom Lombardi "That's right." —Mr. Lombardi "Switched at birth my foot." —Mrs. Lombardi "Psst . . . Ludivine? —Tom Lombardi "Oui?" —Ludivine Sagnier "Comment ca va?" —Tom Lombardi "Ca va." —Ludivine Sagnier "What're you wearing?" —Tom Lombardi

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