| Welcome to the PREMIERE FLOG of The Banana Shake! |
Starting each Monday morning henceforth, Tom Lombardi, along with a weekly sidekick, will interview an extremely famous person or organism.
For the premiere, Tom sits down with the POLAR ICE CAPS. The Banana Shake is extremely excited, as it's the Polar Ice Cap's first interview in their __ billion years of existence.
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| First, I'd like to introduce this week's sidekick, William Safire, whom most of you know as the celebrated former op-ed columnist of the New York Times. |
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| [uproarious cheering] |
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| How're you feeling today, William? |
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| I'm aight. |
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| Now, Mr. Safire, why—— |
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| Son, call me 'B.' |
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| B., why do you think no one, in the history of the world, as far as we know, ever interviewed the polar ice caps? Could it be fear of facing our deepest concerns, environmentally, that is? |
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| I ain't the burning bush, kid. |
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| By the way, did you get a chance to read my novel? |
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| Nah. |
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| Wait! I'm being told the green room's getting a little chilly, ha ha. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, all the way here from Antarctica, the Polar Ice Caps. |
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| YEAH!!!!!!!! |
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It's very considerate of you to have us. |
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| Someone better open up the windows, cause if these fools start to melt, it'll be the Day After Tomorrow up in this muhfucker, know what I'm sayin'? |
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| [clearing throat] What'd you guys think of my novel? |
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| [deep, rumbling groan] |
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| That bad, eh? |
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| To be honest, we haven't gotten around to it, Tom. We're very sorry. |
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| No no! It's okay, you have more important things to worry about . . . I mean, did you read a few pages at least? No no! Don't answer that. [shuffling notes] Now. Amid all this heated debate—— |
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| Pun, son! |
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| Right. Thanks, B. Do you think man's contribution to greenhouse gasses is what's causing your melting, particuarly the increases in the last 30 years? Or is it merely cyclical? |
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| Dawg, this environment talk makes me—— |
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| Let them speak, B.! |
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| What they goin' do, bust an ice cap in my ass? |
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| We know nothing about these debates of which you speak. |
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| Did you know that the summer of 2003 in Europe was one of the warmest since 1500? I mean, people died! How can you say you're unaware of the surmounting temperatures in the last 30 years? |
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| Time, we're afraid, doesn't interest us as a matter of subject. |
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| Hmm, I suppose the earth doesn't care as much about us as we about it? Well, there you have it, folks. |
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| It's much more simple than that. |
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| What's that supposed to mean? |
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| Let's say you'll never quite understand the relationship, it's beyond your capabilities. |
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| Yeah, but how do we shut off this curiosity? And more importantly, how do we stop ourselves from destroying . . . well, ourselves? If you stop one person, or one group, there's always going to be another! |
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| Muhfuckers are goin' deep like Jacques COUSTEAU! |
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| If we gave you an answer, you'd only question it. That's your nature. Your thinking can get quite daunting, we imagine. Without your thoughts, there'd be nothing to fight, a phenomenon which would disturb even the most well-intentioned soul. We're terribly sorry, but we must get going. We're grateful to be the premiere guests of your flog. We wish you luck and fortune. |
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| The pleasure is ours, Polar Ice Caps. |
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| Son, this novel you wrote . . . Any sex in it? |
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| [excited shouting] |
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| Tons, Mr. Safire. Please read it, you won't be disappointed. I'd like to thank my viewers. We'll be back next Monday. Peace! |
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TOM LOMBARDI'S WEB SITE
www.tomlombardi.org
ARCHIVED FLOGS
Week #1: The Polar Ice Caps & William Safire
Week #2: James Frey's Royalties & Lindsay Lohan
Week #3: The cowboys from Brokeback Mountain
Week #4: Scarlett Johanssen's Naked Buttocks & Blizzard of '06
Week #5: The War in Iraq
Week #6: The Seriousness With Which Crash Takes Itself
Week #7: Richie "Old School" Aprile
Week #8: A Public Service Announcement to America's Children
Week #9: Mission Implausible:III
Week #10: David Beckham's Cock
Week #11: God
Week #12 Lance Armstrong
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