| Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to join us for the 2nd week at The Banana Shake. This time, Tom chats with that badgirl, sexy A-lister we've all grown to love. Enjoy!
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| Big guest today, folks. First, I'm going to kick off this week's flog by introducing my sidekick, James Frey's Royalties, who took time from their vacation in St. Bart's to join us. Let's hear it for James Frey's Royalties!!! |
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| FUCK yeah!!! |
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| How was the weather in the Caribbean? |
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| Ju$t fabulou$, Tom, thank$ for a$king. |
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| Let's cut to the chase. Given all the controversy with Oprah and friends, are any of you worried people will stop buying A Million Little Pieces? |
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| Do we look worried? |
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| No!!! |
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| Come on -- how about throwin' a few bones to a rejected novelist? |
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| Don't you know better than to write a novel about a 30-year-old guy recovering from a divorce in the current publi$hing climate? |
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| [inching closer, looking suddenly suspicious] |
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| Give those back, you little $hit! |
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| Man, it'$ not fair. I've been writing my a$$ off for fourteen year$ now. I'm barely $craping by. And I'm sick of working shit jobs that are beneath me. Come on, let me keep a few bag$. Jame$ will never know. |
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| Just give back the money, Thomas. Stealing is, like, so uncool. |
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| Oh $hit! All thi$ talk over money, and I totally forgot . . . ladie$ and gentlemen, the lovely and talented Lind$ay Lohan! |
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| [lascivious cheering] |
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| Royalties have feelings too, Thomas. |
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| P$$T. Lind$ay? We're heading over to $cores later. Come with. A little Cry$tal and Vicodin in the limo never hurt nobody. |
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| Ew! I'd rather shop at Wal-Mart. |
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| Your audience just took some of our -- real cla$$y flog, Tom! |
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| Oh for fuck's sake . . . come on, guys, give back James Frey's royalties, please. |
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| So . . . I liked your novel, Thomas. |
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| [suddenly erect] Really. |
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| It was hot. There was so much sex in it. And coke. And Hemore's so adorable. He cracks me up. You're super talented, dude. |
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| [blushing] Oh stop that. |
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| Okay. |
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| No! Keep going. I mean . . . you were saying. |
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| I thought you really captured what it's like to lose someone. Hemore is so sensitive. But he's always trying to get the girl, or replace his ex. Like the time he gets caught sniffing that chick's yoga mat after class? But it's sad too. The ending totally made my cry. |
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| [talking nervously fast] Well you know they often say nothing tickles a woman's clitoris like laughter. |
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| Cheesy!!! |
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| Sorry, dude, but I don't date boys who are poor. No offense, it's just a matter of legalities, really. |
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| [red-faced] Of course. I mean, none taken, Lindsay. |
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| Why don't you ask her to take off the mask, Tom? |
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| Take it off! Take it off! |
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| Ew. Don't touch me, you fucking creeps!!! |
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| [mask removed] Uh . . . hey. |
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| Ah!!!! Why, you're not Lindsay Lohan. You're that JT Leroy, or the woman who posed as him. Security! |
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| I still meant those things I said about your novel. |
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| Hmm, interesting . . . maybe we can work something out. Like, I write another novel from the voice of a recovering Nitrous Oxide addict who's now a drag queen Catholic priest, and you submit it to—— |
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| Now that'$ what we call the book$ bu$ine$$! |
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| Thanks to James Frey's roytalties and whoeverthefuck JT Leroy is. I'll be reading for Opium Magazine this Friday with author Sam Lipsyte at Happy Ending Lounge. |
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TOM LOMBARDI'S WEB SITE
www.tomlombardi.org
ARCHIVED FLOGS
Week #1: The Polar Ice Caps & William Safire
Week #2: James Frey's Royalties & Lindsay Lohan
Week #3: The cowboys from Brokeback Mountain
Week #4: Scarlett Johanssen's Naked Buttocks & Blizzard of '06
Week #5: The War in Iraq
Week #6: The Seriousness With Which Crash Takes Itself
Week #7: Richie "Old School" Aprile
Week #8: A Public Service Announcement to America's Children
Week #9: Mission Implausible:III
Week #10: David Beckham's Cock
Week #11: God
Week #12 Lance Armstrong
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