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| This week, on The Banana Shake, Tom Lombardi chats with the War in Iraq. |
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| Welcome back, folks! Still cold as a mofo out there. This week's guest is, unfortunately, not cold. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the Middle East, the War in Iraq. |  |
| [ambivalent clapping] |  |
| This Flog is dumb. |  |
| And what exactly are you good for? | |
| Huh? | |
| Nothing. It's from a song. Anyway, let's talk numbers. How many Iraqi civilians have died since you began? | |
| Don't know. | |
| How many soldiers, on both sides? | |
| Don't care. | |
| What do you care about? | |
| Winning. | |
| My Pop Warner football coach used to talk like that. | |
| Do I know him? | |
| Maybe. He used to wear these gray shorts, you know those tight, cotton shorts football coaches wore back in the 80's? Anwyay, he'd pull them up so high on his waste, his testicles would bulge like two giant eggs. At the beginning and end of each practice he'd instruct us to "take a knee," then commence some motivational speech. So we'd be kneeling, forced to face his package. Insulting. | |
| Sounds like you were staring at his balls a lot. Have you discussed that with a therapist? | |
| He just had a Vince Lombardi complex. Lots of people don't know this, but much of football terminology was taken from war, like blitz and bomb and sack and -- | |
| Interception. | |
| My father, now 70, loved to watch those John Wayne war movies. I can understand the competitive aspect of war. Shit, I like certain sports myself. But most sports don't involve murder. Take the History Channel, for instance. They run footage of old wars like other networks air old sitcoms. They'll dedicate entire shows to the weaponry of World War II. Isn't a weapon designed to murder? | |
| You mean "kill?" | |
| Think they'll ever be a time without war? | |
| [laughing] Douchebag, that's like saying, "Think they'll ever be a time without politics?" Your people crave conflict. Without it, they wouldn't be distracted. You'd have to face yourselves. | |
| I just think it's all murder, you know? No matter what the outcome. I'm not saying some military moves weren't justified, but in the end . . . here we are, still going at it. | |
| Don't be such a girl. | |
| Are you sure you're not my football coach in disguise? | |
| Take a knee. | |
| Dick. | |
| Yes, but popular. | |
| Actually, not really. Most Americans are against you now. Or so they say. I think most poor people are more concerned about getting food and paying their bills, and most people with a decent income are more concerned about updating their iPods or improving their cell phone plans. You watch, this coming Sunday, I bet you'll be scarcely be mentioned during the Oscars. The producers will dub you "too 2003." | |
| Onward and upward. | |
| One of my favorite Henry Miller lines is that "peace is not the opposite of war." People talk and talk and talk as if one day their particular government or politic will yield peace. Silly. Meanwhile, it's right under their nose. | |
| Fuck 'em! Work hard. Earn lots of money. Buy a pool. And live well. | |
| What does a general do during a time of "peace" or non-war, organize his filing cabinet? Does he stand by the water cooler with his colleagues and say, "They don't make wars like they used to boy let me tell you." | |
| War is business, my friend. | |
| I know, I know. That's what we should fight against. Not war. Business. Oh well -- we can't solve these problems in one stupid Flog. | |
| I'm bored. | |
| Instead of paying some columnist $300,000 a year to write negative shit about our country and the war and the atrocities and absurdities our government commits on a daily level, why don't the powers-that-be at the newspapers let some American soldiers write the columns? | |
| Would they be snarky? | |
| Lots of dead daughters and sons from you, eh? | |
| [while coughing] Pussy. | |
| Get off my Flog! | |
| Two hits. Me hittin' you. You hittin' the floor. | |
| That sounds vaguely familiar. Oh -- did you read my novel? | |
| Yes. I really liked it. It's funny and sad at the same time. | |
| Uh, thanks, I guess. No offense, but I don't want your endorsement. | |
| Business, my friend. Get used to it. | |
| Peace to you all! If you haven't found it, you haven't looked. |  |
| [cheering because it's all they know] | |
www.tomlombardi.org ARCHIVED FLOGS Week #1: The Polar Ice Caps & William Safire Week #2: James Frey's Royalties & Lindsay Lohan Week #3: The cowboys from Brokeback Mountain Week #4: Scarlett Johanssen's Naked Buttocks & Blizzard of '06 Week #5: The War in Iraq Week #6: The Seriousness With Which Crash Takes Itself Week #7: Richie "Old School" Aprile Week #8: A Public Service Announcement to America's Children Week #9: Mission Implausible:III Week #10: David Beckham's Cock Week #11: God Week #12 Lance Armstrong _______ |
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