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| This week, on The Banana Shake, Tom Lombardi chats with the Seriousness With Which 'Crash' Takes Itself. |
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| Hope y'all enjoyed the Oscars, folks. How're you feeling, William "B" Safire? I saw you last night sippin' Alizé with Three 6 Mafia at the Vanity Fair party. |  |
| [breaking into song] It's hard out here for a columnist . . . |  |
| Do you remember spilling punch all over Spielberg's tux? | |
| Son, word of advice: When a party ends, don't say yes to night surfin' with Jessica Alba and Patrick Swayze. | |
| You mean post-party you were all Point Break and shit? | |
| More like Point Krunk, Jack! | |
| Well, let's get to our guest, shall we? Ladies and Gentlemen, the Seriousness With Which Crash Takes Itself. | |
| [heavy-handed cheering] |  |
| I just want to say how important this win was for the human race. |  |
| Uh . . . sure. So. You read my novel? | |
| I did. [polite pause] Now, I don't want to judge, but——to be perfectly honest, I don't get it, what's the message? | |
| That's the point! There is no message. | |
| [chanting] Crash really sucked! Crash really—— | |
| Hey cut that out! You know damn well this Flog treats each guest with equality and fairness. | |
| Unlike the Best Picture Award? |    |
| Clooney, my man. Now, TSWWCTI, if you don't mind the acronym, is there a particular speech you have prepared? | |
| I'd like to say NO THANK YOU to racism and bigotry. And a warm thank you to awareness and diversity and Paul—— | |
| Haggis for scribing like a Hallmark staff writer? | |
| [hootin' and high-fivin' each other] | |
| Oh no you didn't! | |
| What have you written you fucking guinea!?! |  |
| It's that really, really angry cop from Crash who, in one scene exhibits hatred toward a black couple and then ten minutes later, through the grace of unabashed contrivance, is saving the woman of that couple from a burning car. | |
| Dawg, ask how many takes he did on that scene where he felt up that ho's crotch? | |
| Listen here, Safire! My father hired several black people as—— | |
| [gun shot] |  |
| Thanks, Ennis! Hey man, sorry about the Best Picture Award. | |
| Sar 'bout what? |  |
| [impersonating Ennis] This Oscar guy. If word gets out. If the show airs wide. He'll get us all killed. | |
| [laughing] You kill me, B! | |
| You going to take that from him, Officer Ryan, huh? You going to be a pussy all your life? |  |
| Baby, cut me some slack. The cowboy fucking shot me. | |
| I'm not going to sit here and watch you get ridiculed on some Flog by—— | |
| Please. Lombardi's a bottom feeder. I got hemorrhoids bigger than that guido's bank account. | |
| Excuse me, I happen to be a rejected novelist! | |
| I happened to fall down the stairs today. When my maid helped me up, I suddenly realized I've been an angry person my entire life. |  |
| [rolling his eyes] |  |
| You see, Mr. Lee, amid all this hatred, she experienced an epiphany—— | |
| You call me ecstasy dealer! |  |
| Excuse me, but I've never "called" anyone anything. | |
| You fucking liar!!! You cheater!!! | |
| It's that irate Persian store owner who accuses everyone of crossing him. | |
| [brewing up hatred] | |
| [toying with his Trio] Dawg, Alba and Lohan are goin' to Quentin's crib later on. I'll hollah back a text right quick. | |
| Sure thing, B! I'll bring my novel. | |
| This is LA, son. You don't read, you drive. | |
| Right, B. Well, good night and good luck, folks. | |
| You call my daughter good fuck? I kill you!!! | |
| This Flog is just socially irresponsible. I am appalled and offended. | |
| [hugging, kissing, punching] | |
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www.tomlombardi.org ARCHIVED FLOGS Week #1: The Polar Ice Caps & William Safire Week #2: James Frey's Royalties & Lindsay Lohan Week #3: The cowboys from Brokeback Mountain Week #4: Scarlett Johanssen's Naked Buttocks & Blizzard of '06 Week #5: The War in Iraq Week #6: The Seriousness With Which Crash Takes Itself Week #7: Richie "Old School" Aprile Week #8: A Public Service Announcement to America's Children Week #9: Mission Implausible:III Week #10: David Beckham's Cock Week #11: God Week #12 Lance Armstrong _______ |
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