This week, on The Banana Shake, Tom Lombardi gets a sitdown with mobster Richie "Old School" Aprile from the Sopranos. Welcome back, folks. As a Sopranos fan, I'm honored to introduce this week's guest. Joining us all the way from the afterlife, ladies and gentlemen, Richie Aprile! [applauding in Italian] All due respect, kid. I come all the way from hades and you don't so much as offer me a cappuccino, a cracker with cheese, not even a kindly "go fuck yourself?" [nervously steaming milk] What'd you think of my novel? Read the Russians, kid. They wrote with balls and soul and didn't complain to nobody. Actually, I'm partial to Dostoyevsky myself . . . I'm curious, what'd you think of the new Sopranos episode? I should have whacked that jerky kid Tony when I had the chance. Hats off to Junior. Junior's obviously suffering from an alarming case of dementia, no? [a dismissive wave] He's got a lot on his plate. He'll be okay. Now, Richie, in an episode of season 2, you employ an unusual love making technique on Tony Soprano's sister, Janice. Let's cut to a clip. I still can't believe that cunt shot me in my own kitchen. All due respect——you did punch her in the mouth. [emptying cappuccino in Tom's face] Where do you get the balls, kid? I'm from the old school. Once you give a woman your name, what you do with your hands is nobody's bizzness. [drying off, suddenly regretting guest choice] Uh . . . you were upset because she said, referring to your professional dancing son, "and so what if he's gay?" [sigh] Every time that kid slips on his dancin' shoes, it's like he's tellin' me in the grave to go fuck myself. You think you got agita? I've been whacked for three years now and my back's still killin' me. What do you want me to do about it? Lombardi, do I smell pizza? Yeah, I ordered some earlier from Beansie's joint. I should have finished off that motherless fuck when I had the chance. After smashing Beansie upside the head with a full pot of coffee, you later ran him over with your SUV. Your point being? By the way, Richie, you ever resolve—— You wearin' a wire, you rat fuck? Yeah so what if I am? It ain't easy being dead. And I got kids in college, goddamnit! Besides, some angels offered me a deal with the Heavan Protection Program. It's hot as a stripper's twat where I am. I can't tell what's biggah, your stomach or your tampon. Oh Richie, you can't make that shit up. What do you want from me, kid, huh? [stirring what's left of his cappuccino] I just did. [gun shot] Lombardi, someone just clipped Richie. We'll need some bleach, surgical gloves, trash bags, and some dumbbells or anything that weighs a lot. [panicking] Okay, Pussy. But who shot him? I did . . . [breaking into sobs] but I loved Richie so much . . . [suddenly angry] that misogynist cocksucker [resuming sobs] [mopping up blood] Psst . . . Adriana? What's up, sweetie? What're you wearin'? [cheering lasciviously] Look, hon, I think your flag's cute and all. Flog. Whatevah. But if Christopha evah found out we went on a date, he'd kill me. But he did kill you, I mean, indirectly sort of. [from garbage bag] Kid, you ever lay a hand on my niece, you'll be composin' flogs from the bottom of the Hudson. [Lombardi running from the studio] You never know . . . TOM LOMBARDI'S WEB SITE www.tomlombardi.org ARCHIVED FLOGS Week #1: The Polar Ice Caps & William Safire Week #2: James Frey's Royalties & Lindsay Lohan Week #3: The cowboys from Brokeback Mountain Week #4: Scarlett Johanssen's Naked Buttocks & Blizzard of '06 Week #5: The War in Iraq Week #6: The Seriousness With Which Crash Takes Itself Week #7: Richie "Old School" Aprile Week #8: A Public Service Announcement to America's Children Week #9: Mission Implausible:III Week #10: David Beckham's Cock Week #11: God Week #12 Lance Armstrong _______ To bookmark The Banana Shake Flog, click this. Tom Lombardi's Web site | email him back to top