THE CHARLIE ROSE INTERVIEW WITH TOM LOMBARDI Charlie Rose: His debut novel's been described by the New York Times as—scratch that, they never reviewed it. I'm pleased to have on my show the author of the Simon & Schuster novel, My Summer On Earth, Tom Lombardi. Tom Lombardi: Thanks, Charlie, I'm— CR: Did you just fart? TL: No, no! [suddenly sniffing] Did you? CR: Let's talk about My Summer On Earth. TL: Let's do it, Charlie! CR: I have to apologize. I haven't read it. TL: Oh—that's okay. Not many have. CR: If I were to read it, would it rearrange my molecules? TL: [slow, ambivalent shrug] CR: YES OR NO, GODDAMNIT!?!? TL: Charlie, I have to say, you're kind of scaring me right now, what with your black— CR: Why did you thank yourself in the acknowledgements? TL: I wrote the motherfucker. CR: Why didn't you thank me? TL: I did. Then your people issued an infraction. CR: [laughs] That's right. [ruffling papers] Are you a narcissist? TL: You going to ask questions about how I was mistreated as a child or what? CR: Let's talk about fame and life in Los Angeles. TL: Great! CR: Have you seen George Clooney? TL: No. But I saw Jason Bourne once at the gas station. I was all ready to give him my novel, you know, I think he could really do a great job as The Douche, but when I approached him he just casually lifted up his shirt to reveal a canister of mace. CR: I kicked Damon's ass once for swearing on my show. TL: No fucking way! CR: [pounding fist into the famous table] TL: Please don't hit me, Charlie! CR: So. The book to film. Any bites? TL: Last time I spoke to my Hollywood agent on the phone, I said, "Hey [the legal department of the ____ Agency has since removed the agent's name], it's me, Tom Lombardi, what's going on, man?" And he goes, "You left a shitload of leaves in the pool! My wife almost had a heart attack. What's wrong with you?" I was all, "No, man, it's me, Tom Lombardi, your client." "Tom Lombardi," he says, "is my pool cleaner." "NO!" I said, "I'm your client, author of My Summer On Earth." Then he goes, "Never heard of it. Send me the book again." So I did, Charlie, and . . . haven't heard from him since. CR: Give me three reasons why I shouldn't round-house kick you right now. TL: Charlie, if you don't mind me asking, how'd you get that black eye? CR: George Lucas was on last night. I asked why his movies suck so badly. It got ugly. TL: Heard he's a real insecure prick. CR: What're you working on now? TL: My self-esteem. [Charlie does not laugh] Actually, I just co-wrote a script with my brother called GUILT IS A BITCH. CR: Now you really farted, didn't you? TL: I'm sorry, Charlie! I thought I'd packed the Beano in my luggage but— CR: [jumping across the table and grabbing Mr. Lombardi's throat] TL: [barely breathing as Mr. Rose strangles him] Line Producer: [off-screen] Ten bucks says Charlie takes him. Production Assistant [off-screen] You're on, bro!

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